Here's the thing. I can sing. I mean, I've got a decent set of pipes and my parents forked out dough for four years of private voice instruction. I've even sung in LDS General Conference and the General Relief Society meeting and everything. And MAN, you should hear me in the shower...just like Gloria Gaynor, almost. So surely, SURELY it should be no big deal to sing in front of a few ladies for a Relief Society board meeting. Cake, right? WRONG. Depite all my preparation and prayers, I avoid singing solos at all cost. Scares the dickens out of me and alters my voice beyond recognition. Duets baby! Or better yet, a double quartet.
So why did I say 'yes' when they asked me?
I am 32. That 's old enough to leave basically all my inhibitions behind me (and I didn't have very many to start with). I thought I was old enough to move past this ridiculous fear of solo singing, and what could be less threatening than a relief society meeting? What's the worst that could happen, right? Well I'll tell you...
You could be standing there starting to sing and have a noise like a migrating Canadian Goose come out of your throat. Your normally pleasing, gentle vibrato could morph into the affectations of an extremely old woman--who is being ELECTROCUTED. At times your voice might actually resemble the plaintive calls of a newly born GOAT. And even then it could get worse...
You could start blubbering.
You could start squeaking as tears come out and grimaces seize the muscles of your face.
You could start staring at the ceiling and try to think of anything other than singing about Jesus Christ, and then start seeing spots.
The entire piece could be recreated using only the words "honk, and blubber" and have it not sound very different from the original.
And then, when the public humilation phase of the horribleness was over, and you were in the bathroom, crying in earnest this time because you feel so ashamed, and everyone, EVERYONE who heard you "sing" might come and tell you what a fabulous job you did.
And in their over-eagerness to make you feel a little better about it all, they might stumble over themselves and ask you to sing the same piece on Thursday at the Relief Society meeting formerly known as "Enrichment."
And in your eagerness to end the conversation, you might accidentally say "yes."
So why did I say 'yes' when they asked me?
I am 32. That 's old enough to leave basically all my inhibitions behind me (and I didn't have very many to start with). I thought I was old enough to move past this ridiculous fear of solo singing, and what could be less threatening than a relief society meeting? What's the worst that could happen, right? Well I'll tell you...
You could be standing there starting to sing and have a noise like a migrating Canadian Goose come out of your throat. Your normally pleasing, gentle vibrato could morph into the affectations of an extremely old woman--who is being ELECTROCUTED. At times your voice might actually resemble the plaintive calls of a newly born GOAT. And even then it could get worse...
You could start blubbering.
You could start squeaking as tears come out and grimaces seize the muscles of your face.
You could start staring at the ceiling and try to think of anything other than singing about Jesus Christ, and then start seeing spots.
The entire piece could be recreated using only the words "honk, and blubber" and have it not sound very different from the original.
And then, when the public humilation phase of the horribleness was over, and you were in the bathroom, crying in earnest this time because you feel so ashamed, and everyone, EVERYONE who heard you "sing" might come and tell you what a fabulous job you did.
And in their over-eagerness to make you feel a little better about it all, they might stumble over themselves and ask you to sing the same piece on Thursday at the Relief Society meeting formerly known as "Enrichment."
And in your eagerness to end the conversation, you might accidentally say "yes."
7 comments:
Died laughing!!!!! Been there TOO many times. I now simply refuse to do solos and will stop at nothing to get a duet or ensemble. So sorry for the rotten event - though I'm sure it was much more lovely than you realize. Maybe it touched them deeply like when I sang/blubbered through His Hands. Love you! Love your humorous way of telling a story. ;)
Excellent. Don't hide your candle under a bushel, girl! Lol.
You'll feel better about it this second time. Already had the first time to practice up, get the jitters out, and (if it really did go well) set expectations lower. :)
Love you
That's the funniest thing I've read in awhile. Love it! Though I'm sure you really WERE fabulous!
I laughed so hard at this I am crying. That was AWESOME. Oh, I love you. :)
You are very talented at expressing yourself in writing. When you made me read your post out loud to you, I started laughing so hard I almost couldn't breathe. Love you!
h I'm sorry. Soundsvery much like me and public speaking :)
LYBI!!! I love reading your blog. Thanks for making "friends" w/Tyler so I can get reacquainted! You have a gorgeous family, and your personality shines right through. Our blog is at trogserv.blogspot. Hopefully we can see you during the holiday season when we head south.
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